Marriage After Baby: Relationship Problems?
You can feel dialed in with your partner before the baby comes. In your groove. You knew who did what and how you liked your household to function. Then came baby…
Common Problems in Postpartum
Division of Labor- After baby comes, the workload increases. This increase in labor happens in three domains: Physical Labor, Emotional Labor, and Mental Labor. This covers everything from bottle washing to changing the diaper pail to remembering to make doctors appointments to heading off a tantrum before it begins. Even folks who had division of labor dialed prior to baby, usually struggle with navigating this new load. In most male-female partnerships the burden of this new load falls on the woman (in more gender fluid couples the work load still falls predominately on the partner that adheres to more stereotypical “feminine” traits/roles). This is true regardless of whether or not the female also works outside of the home. If you’re looking to understand these concepts better (and I encourage you to do just that) check out our article Your Relationship After Kids: Why Am I Always So Exhausted? So not only are both partners fatigued due to the overall increase in load, there is usually one partner who feels overly burdened with labor. This can create resentment, irritability, and exhaustion.
Lack of understanding of one another’s experience- A common complaint is amongst both partners is feeling like the other partner doesn’t truly understand what you are going through. When we don’t feel seen and understood the underling fear is that are needs cannot be met. After I had my second baby, I had an abscess on my breast for the better part of three months (and was breastfeeding through it), was experiencing hyperthyroidism related to an underlying autoimmune condition, was bouncing between a milk supply that was overproducing or underproducing, and was lucky to sleep three hours per night. Meanwhile, my husband was feeling insanely worried about my health and well-being, was feeling needed-out, and was pretty depressed and wondering if we should have had a second child. It came out as significant anger and irritability. We weren’t having many conversations that felt supportive about our unique experiences. In part, because postpartum is exhausting and tired people are not regulated people, so heavy conversations don’t usually go well. Both people are going through a life-altering transition.
Less attentive to your partners needs- There is just simply less time to attend to each other after you have a baby. The amount and quality of time spent drastically reduces. This can lead to folks feeling really disconnected from their partner.
Lack of education about hormonal shifts- Whether you’re the one with the shifting hormones or it’s your partner witnessing your shifting hormones, there tends to be a lack of education about what happens on a hormonal level during pregnancy and postpartum. It is common for very normal mood shifts to be pathologized or responded to with a lack of compassion.
Postpartum mental health problems- 15-20% of birthing persons develop significant mood symptoms, meeting the criteria for a perinatal mood and anxiety disorder (i.e., postpartum anxiety, postpartum depression, postpartum OCD, postpartum psychosis). 1 in 10 dads experience postpartum anxiety and depression. When we add a layer of mental health problems to the mix, communication is more likely to breakdown and exhaustion is amplified.
Difficult baby/kid- Most folks think of postpartum partnership problems being solely within the couple. The reality is that not all babies are sunshine and roses. Not all of them sleep through the night by 12 weeks old and only cry when an obvious need hasn’t been met. Most babies fall someone where in the middle. And some are very high need. If your babies temperament is on the less pleasant end, this can really create issues in the postpartum period. You may experience regret/sadness/anger and then guilt/shame over your feelings of regret, sadness, and anger towards your baby.
Different parenting styles- You might find that you and your partner have different parenting styles and that this creates a rub. For example, you might feel strongly that a four month old who is crying in the middle of that night needs warmth, connection, and nurturance whereas your partner may feel like they need to cry it out in an attempt to learn to self-soothe. This can continue throughout the lifespan of your kid. For example, you might respond to the rebellious teenager with connection first whereas your partner might first want to respond with taking away everything they enjoy! This is especially common in households where each partner was raised in a very different parenting styles from one another.
Financial Stress- Kids are expensive! In article called “The Cost of Raising A Child“ references the following study…“A 2015 study done by the USDA found that it cost an estimated $233,610 to raise two children from birth to age 17 in a middle-income family with two parents. That figure, adjusted for inflation, is just over a quarter of a million dollars at $286,000 in 2022.”
This can significantly increase the financial worry and load on parents. It may mean a second job for some parents or dissonance over their ability to give their kids opportunities. For low income families, it can mean figuring out how to deal with government programs like food stamps, public housing, daycare vouchers, etc.
Physical Intimacy- Exhaustion, financial strain, recovery from childbirth, body image disturbance, and less time do not make people feel sexy! It’s usually just the opposite. A lot of couples find it hard to find the time for sex and libido may be really impacted, especially in the first year after having a child. A lot of mom’s report feeling touched out or needed out and physical intimacy just becomes another thing on the to-do list. Another common issue is feeling dissatisfied with their postpartum body and not feeling attractive because of it.