How to Start and Maintain a Conversation When You Have Social Anxiety
For those with social anxiety, starting or maintaining a conversation can feel intimidating, like you’re under a spotlight with the whole world watching.
You might worry about what to say, how to say it, or fear being judged for your words. But the good news is, you can learn strategies to ease these worries, become more comfortable in social situations, and enjoy meaningful conversations.
Here’s a guide to help you navigate conversations when you struggle with social anxiety.
1. Start Small and Simple
One of the best ways to ease yourself into conversations is to start small. Begin with low-pressure environments like saying hello to a neighbor, or asking a cashier how their day is going. These simple exchanges help you practice without the fear of having to carry a long conversation.
If you’re worried about what to say, start with a basic greeting or a compliment. It doesn’t need to be complex:
“Hey, how are you today?”
“I love your shoes! Where did you get them?”
Even if the conversation doesn’t go further, you’ve succeeded in taking the first step.
2. Use Open-Ended Questions
Once you’ve gotten comfortable initiating, you can learn to sustain the conversation by asking open-ended questions. These types of questions require more than a yes or no answer and help keep the dialogue flowing.
For example:
Instead of asking “Did you like the movie?” try “What did you think about the movie?”
Or “What have you been up to this week?”
This shifts the focus off you and allows the other person to share more, giving you time to listen and respond naturally.
3. Active Listening
Active listening is a crucial part of any conversation and can relieve some of the anxiety about what to say next. When you focus on what the other person is saying, it becomes easier to ask follow-up questions or make comments based on their responses.
Show that you’re engaged by nodding, maintaining eye contact, or saying things like:
“That’s interesting!”
“Tell me more about that.”
When you focus on the other person, it can also take some of the pressure off worrying about your own words.
4. Reframe Your Thoughts
Social anxiety is often fueled by negative thinking—anticipating rejection, fearing awkward silence, or imagining you’re being judged. Reframing these thoughts can significantly lower anxiety. Instead of thinking “They probably think I’m awkward,” try replacing that thought with “We’re just having a casual chat. It’s okay to be imperfect.”
Remember, most people aren’t scrutinizing every word you say. They’re likely just as focused on keeping the conversation going as you are!
5. Prepare Conversation Starters
If you’re going into a social situation where you’ll need to talk to people, it can help to have a few conversation starters in mind. Think of some general topics that you feel comfortable discussing—things like recent events, hobbies, or shared interests.
A few examples:
“I just started reading this new book… Have you read anything interesting lately?”
“I noticed you’re into hiking! Any recommendations for trails nearby?”
“Did you hear about the new restaurant downtown? Have you been yet?”
These starters don’t put pressure on either person, and they open the door for easy conversation.
6. Accept Silence
Silence during a conversation might feel uncomfortable, but it’s a natural part of communication. Don’t rush to fill every gap with words. Pauses give you both time to think, and sometimes those moments of silence can lead to a more thoughtful exchange.
If you feel the pressure building, take a deep breath, and allow yourself to relax in the silence. You’re not obligated to always speak, and neither is the other person.
7. Know When to Exit the Conversation
It’s important to remember that not every conversation will go on forever. Sometimes, you’ll find yourself in situations where the conversation naturally comes to an end. Knowing how to exit politely can help prevent awkwardness.
You can say:
“It was great chatting with you! I need to head out, but I hope we can talk again soon.”
“I should get back to [whatever you were doing], but I enjoyed catching up!”
This lets you leave the conversation without the worry of dragging it out or feeling like you need to keep going when you’re ready to move on.
8. Practice Self-Compassion
Remember, conversation is a skill. If you’re struggling with social anxiety, every conversation you have is progress. Be kind to yourself and acknowledge your efforts, even if things don’t go perfectly. Each attempt brings you closer to feeling more comfortable and confident in social settings.
Final Thoughts:
Overcoming social anxiety doesn’t mean you need to be an extrovert or the life of the party. It’s about finding ways to engage with others that feel genuine and comfortable for you. Start with small, simple steps, and celebrate your successes along the way. With practice and self-compassion, you’ll find that conversations become more manageable—and maybe even enjoyable.